We humans tend to be control freaks. Seriously. You may not think you are a control freak, and I don’t like to think I am either, but we all spend a bunch of time and effort (conscious or subconscious) trying to ensure that circumstances, people, and our future turn out the way we want them to. We devote much of our prayer life to telling God how we think things need to go for us and for those we love most. Call it what you want, but often it’s really a control thing.

Is it all bad? Of course not. As parents, part of the biblical mandate to train our young children is to provide control and leadership in areas such as nutrition, sleep, character development, screen time, finances, and many more. But when we engage with adults we know and love – parents, kids, friends, extended family, or others – if we expend inordinate amounts of energy trying to change them or convince them that our will for them is best, this is no longer love; it is an obsession to control.

This has been a difficult challenge for me at times. Recently, I found myself praying so intensely and ruminating so continuously over decisions and potential outcomes for someone close to me that it was affecting my attitude and even my sleep. I’m reminded of Martha in chapter 10 of the book of Luke complaining to Jesus about her sister Mary, whom Martha thought was not doing her share of serving on a particular day. Our prayers sometimes sound like Martha’s appeal: “So-and-so is doing such-and-such, Jesus! Please change them!” If I’m being honest, sometimes my prayers for others are focused more on what I think is best for them than what God wants. I don’t see much of a mandate in the Bible for us to change people. I think the mandate is to focus on who God is and how he wants to change us, and then let Him do the changing in others.

In Luke 22:42 Jesus prays, “Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.” Following His example, it is good to pray for what we desire, but also important to be humble enough to let God work in ways different from our expectations. “But wait! I love my _______ (child, sibling, parent, friend) so much and I know this upcoming decision or action will cause pain and suffering for them if they don’t do the right thing!” Noted. As your fellow control freak, I agree, and I’ve been there. But unless the person you are concerned about is a child too young to make a decision, there’s a good chance your obsession over the expected outcome you are worried about may be something you are not called to carry for them.

So, what is a control freak to do? What I am learning but am not very good at yet is to offer a prayer, be an example, and possibly (perhaps rarely) share an unsolicited word of advice. But after that, rather than pouring my efforts into controlling actions and outcomes, I need to trust God to be God. My time and energy are better spent focusing on how much more He knows than I do and how much higher His ways are than mine.

God wants to hear from me. God wants me to care for and be deeply invested in the lives of those He has given me to love. But God wants me to hold them up to Him with open palms – trusting that He loves them even more than I do and that He can protect them better than I can. I really am very small, and God really is very big, and when I frame my thinking in this way, it brings peace.