This past year has been particularly challenging for my family. Sickness, death, loss, and disappointment have been at a level like we’ve never experienced, and the answers – the healing, deliverance, and outcomes I want to see – have not come as quickly or as fully as I’ve asked God to provide them.
In other words, God and I disagree on how things should have gone lately. I think it helps for me to say this, and I think God is big enough to handle my complaints. But I am not always proud of my response when God doesn’t “behave” the way I want him to. I fear how things may turn out, and in my personality, fear can show up as anger, cynicism, and sometimes just an absence of kindness. I’ve had to confess sin to God and to those I love, as my attitude has been less than stellar at times.
As we walk through this season where I’d like things to be different, I’m trying to remember that God’s highest priority is not necessarily my deliverance from my present circumstances. This doesn’t mean He is cruel or doesn’t want to hear from me about what I think I need. It’s just that my vision is sometimes clouded and is always limited compared to God’s vision and plans, both for me and for all His creation.
I remember a time when I wanted very badly to accept from my employer an offer for a 3-year assignment in London, England. I was certain this would be a great experience for our family, but it didn’t come to pass, and I was very disappointed. As it turned out, my mom had a stroke the following year, and it would have been extremely difficult to manage that situation from across the ocean. My vision was limited. God had a better plan.
As God’s children, He often chooses not to give us what we want, because what we want isn’t what’s best for us, or because there’s something way bigger, better, or more important going on that we can’t see. And the tougher truth is that sometimes what might seem best for me is not what’s best in the bigger picture for others or for Him. He loves us unconditionally, but He is God and we are here for Him – not the other way around.
One thing I’m especially convinced of and thankful for during this season is God’s faithfulness. He doesn’t promise the absence of trouble, but He assures us of His presence. From my experience over the last year, in times of greatest doubt and weakness, God has carried us. In moments of danger or loss, He has protected us.
Lately, I’ve been trying to adjust my prayers to be less about what I’m not getting that I’m asking for, and more about my heart and my response to God. What does He want to do in me while I wait for what I want him to do for me, and for those I love who are walking with me?
